( the crack in the wall )

i got work tomorrow, so i guess i should sleep.

i sort of feel proud of myself today tho.. this weekend i learnt how to do eyedrops, and last weekend i gave hestia kaolin and bella bute.. and i officially learnt how to drive the quad today and caroline sent me out on my own with it and i didn’t crash into anything. yesterday i mucked out real fast as well; today i was slightly slower but.. yesterday i was quite good. 

and dad said that if i can manage the money to pay for luna by myself then i can get her. i just need to make sure i know what i’m doing first, and what’s going to happen next year. 

i’m not getting my hopes up though

not again.

i’m just going to try my hardest and if it doesn’t work out well.. i’ve only myself to blame, and its just me who will suffer for it.

… i.. lately i’ve recognised a defining hypocrisy in myself.

half of me goes ‘i just want to be normal’

and the other half is offended and goes ‘what the fucking hell you are normal’

and its that about.. well practically everything

its weird and confusing and i dont know which side i’m on. its like a freaking constant battle between two separate, conflicting opinions day in, day out. i don’t know what i respond to, and i don’t know what works, and i don’t know what helps.  different things help when one of these ‘sides’ or ‘opinions’ is dominating the other, and i never know which one it is until someone tries to help.. and it ends up looking like two separate people.

either i get offended by the fact that someone is trying to help me because heaven forbid i need help and i’m too proud to take it anyway.

or i listen meekly and i’m so tired out from feeling that i’m easy to talk to and reason with.

i.

i don’t know.

i know everyone else finds me difficult to live with..

so do i…..

yeah.. work tomorrow..

night..